Before I had kids, I'd heard of the ‘terrible twos’ which I have since discovered is pretty misleading, since I’m now living with an almost 4 year old threenager and an 18 month old who has recently discovered foot stamping and has impressive whining stamina. While there is no way to eliminate tantrums (as they are developmentally normal) I’m going to elaborate on some strategies that may help you cope a little better and reduce the number/frequency of tantrums.
I don’t know about you, but when there is anything with salted caramel in front of me, impulse control is a challenge. If it's hard for us adults, imagine what it's like for a child?
We also throw our own adult tantrums too, we know what it feels like to lose control when things don’t go our way, so with a brain that is still developing, the challenge is even greater. I’ve often found myself ironically screaming at my child to be more patient. When you find yourself not modelling the behaviour you want them to have, say sorry. “I shouted at you, I shouldn’t have done that, my feelings got really big and I’m sorry.”
I want you to say this out loud. Your child's tantrums have nothing to do with you as a parent. It's actually part of their neurological and emotional development. Their brain has not yet developed full impulse control, the ability to properly communicate emotions and feelings, and in their short lives much of what they have known is based on instant gratification, so learning delayed gratification isn’t easy.
The reason tantrums often start emerging around the two mark is that for the first year or so of a child's life we have met their needs - feeding, diaper changing, helping them sleep. But now they are growing and they want stuff, they want it now and they want it all the time.
An important difference to understand is between when your child is having a tantrum and a meltdown, because we manage them totally differently. A tantrum is usually over the aforementioned wants, while a meltdown is when they can't control their emotions and they need your help to self-regulate. Handling meltdowns is something I will come back to in a future post, but for today I am going to focus on tantrums. Often tantrums are more of a performance, that tends to be short and sharp, i.e. you have made me angry by saying no to something I want. Think flailing limbs, throwing themselves on the ground and lots of high octane screams.
